Friday, June 6, 2008

my dream from last night

Chefs, today I’d like to introduce you to some special guests. Lompy, Cronos, Feeple, and Tad. They’re koalas. These arboreal marsupials can be found in the coastal regions of Australia, and they’re herbivores. You’re going to spend the next three hours getting to know them a little better, and then you’ll return to Top Chef Kitchen for the Quickfire Challenge.

Cronos is sooo cute. I just want to take him home with me! He has thick gray fur, and little inverted thumbs on his back feet, and a bifurcated penis.

Right now I have a culinary boner for the opportunity to cook for these little guys. Eucalyptus reduction, maybe a eucalyptus sonréioux. With mango. And scallops. And tar.

Usually I cook for humans, you know. Not fucking koalas. But whatever, I’m the best chef here. I’ll cook them a eucalyptus soufflé they’ll remember for the rest of their pathetic fucking koala lives.

Welcome back, chefs. For your Quickfire Challenge, you’re going to kill, butcher, and cook these koalas for a group of school children visiting us from Australia, the Land Down Under. Oh, and another thing. We’ve padlocked the Top Chef pantry. The only ingredient you’ll be allowed is the gum currently being chewed by Chef Tom Colicchio. Now put down your knives. We want to see you euthanize these animals with your bare hands. Your time begins…now.

2 comments:

Skramly said...

What kind of gum was it? Was it the kind that has the stuff inside that squirts out when you chew it? At least with that kind you could make up a sauce of some sort.

l.e.s.ter said...

Yes. Exactly that gum.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oWF2bSZjGM